I told Joey January 1, 2010

“This year is going to be different. Not Better, Not worst, just different. I don’t know why  I am telling you this but I know it.”

It is now August 4, 2010, and oh how I was so right.

2009 wasn’t as bad as 2008, 2008 wasn’t as good as 2006. However every year is unique. But the difference in this year is everything that’s never happened is happening and a real path is starting to form out in front of Joey and my life.

I can’t say that 2010 is bad. In fact I prefer it to last year.

There has been some real low points and some really bright God shining points and I think it’s those God shining points are what makes it better.

I decided that I wanted to adjust the kind of woman I was turning into. There was some qualities about myself that I just did not like. I felt that not only did I need to change these things, but if you were the reason I was like that, you needed to take a backseat in my life while I worked on these things so I would never be like that again.  The whole process was hard. Try and tell yourself and another person that we have some messed up qualities that I just don’t like and need to be ditched. That we are hurting me and I’m done with it. Some things just don’t have a nice way of being said.

And this was  just the beginning of the year.

I’m sure you read that my dad died is April, a week later my maternal grandpa died. I have two very different feelings towards these men.It was a mixture of feelings that I was trying to match, but then God decided that all the feelings that I had towards my dad that I never let myself feel, came rushing in and confused me crazy. 

What I ended up realizing is that not only can I hide my emotions and feelings from you, but myself. And I’ve been doing this for years.

So this realization starts this whole new thought in my head. What are my real feelings? How do I really feel regardless of what I think I should feel?

So I start analyzing relationships. Am I a good friend like I should be or do I even really like you? Some people I turned from friend to just friendly hello’s now and then. Some other’s I realized that I want them in my life because I could see how much I love them. I basically started to edit my circle. I was not brash about anything but why should we live a life where we act like we like to be  someones friend up close when we can love them from a distance and move on.

I also realized that I have 4 sisters. Becky is the oldest and was an important figure when I was growing up teen years and has such a huge beautiful heart. She is always just a phone call away and loves me regardless.  Natalie is 10 years older than me and is one of the strongest women I know. She has become one of my best friends since I’ve become an adult and such a tower for me when I need her. Ilyssa has been my best friend since the beginning of highschool and I could not imagine my life in 20 years without her. She is always there for me and always so honest. She holds all the perfect qualities you would find in a sister and she is too important to me to just be my friend. And than Erin. She was also in the room with Becky and Natalie when I was born and like the relationship I have with Natalie, my relationship with Erin grew strong once I was an adult and even though she is a great friend, I honestly see our relationship like I do with my sisters. I don’t see much difference in the love I have for these 4  amazing women. I would gladly dive in front of a bus to save them and there is a limited number of people I would do that for.

I had also decided that I needed to know the real version of some people. I wanted to be their friends but only if I got the real them. I wanted to know that our relationship would be one of substance. The real people I met where not disappointing. I liked the real them better too. It’s not that they were fake before but they were withheld a little and I didn’t want the withheld version as my friend because than I would find myself withholding. 

It was real solid changes taking place in my life. I can see where God was preparing us in the past years for these changes. The patience we had to learn to be able to handle other things. The desire we had to gain to obtain other things.  It all came into play and the year isn’t over.

I have had a lot of fun as well. My 21st birthday was in May and that was perfect. Ilyssa came to visit for a week and it was perfect. Our nephews were here for Easter and it was lots of fun and they are about to be here in a week for a week again. I have enjoyed a lot this year.

But than I start to have this conversation with other people, and they agree that this year is different, but not like I see it.

There is more low points for more people this year and that what makes it different for them. I see it like the low points are the same but I still don’t see this year as bad at all yet. I feel like I have figured out a way to start learning and figure out how to use it in life. God had taught me that if I don’t learn the lesson the first time, he will repeatedly put you in the situation until you learn from it. Well, I don’t want to do some things twice so I am trying to look into things that are different and learn from them.

I have maybe touched on half of what has happened around me this year. There is an equal share of both good and hard times that I left out due to dragging on. But this year has so far not been a disappointment. So far I feel that 2010 will be the year that I can say was the start of whatever God has planned ahead.

My mid-year review grade= A

what’s your’s? Are more low points this changing year a D?