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Expectations

this word I can only relate to disappointment

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Expectations are what makes it’s no longer someone elses fault for hurting you. Your own fault that you are upset.

It’s random that I’m writing this now because currently, I’m not really hurt like I have been. It was sitting in a draft file of ideas to blog about and I want to get down my idea so it’s not fogged by emotion.

I used to think that everyone close to me would always hurt me. That all my life I would be set up for hurt. This idea that I’m the one hurting myself came in the middle of one of my most emotional and defenseless days. When my 100 foot high wall was down.

I had gone to see my astranged dad. He was in the hospital, possibly dying and it could possibly be the last chance I had to tell him that I forgave him for being a horrible dad and an abusive alcoholic. I used to hate him so much. I use to wish him dead every morning. Why should he be alive for making my sister’s life hell, hurting my mom, and not being there for me. It wasn’t until I understood that God still  loved him that I decided that I should forgive him. The anger came back and I forgot why I was there. I started asking why repeatedly. Why did he drink? Why didn’t he care?…..ect….Why wasn’t he the dad that I wanted him to be? That was is. I realized it. I remembered then to forgive him and did but than asked him for forgiveness. I wouldn’t hate him so much if I didn’t hold him up to expectations.

From that point, I am always think about why I hurt in situations. I ask myself if I was holding this person or issue to an expectation that wasn’t met. Sometimes, I don’t and it hurts, but sometimes I do and even though it hurts, it’s my fault and I deal with it.

I have to realize that life doesn’t always hold up to expectations and I certainly can’t hold people up to them too. It’s not fair to me or the people involved. I can lose the importance of the situation by holding it up to high.

But when I’m hurt, it’s because I didn’t realize I was doing that and so I loose.

I do understand that sometimes people let us down and it’s not my fault, like the responsibilities we each hold but won’t acknowledge or go through on.

I know that with the situation with my dad, he was a bad dad on his part and yes that hurt, but I made it hurt worst with my expectations of being a wonderful dad when he wasn’t.

So now in the future and the recent past, I can check myself first and save on the hurt. It helps

: )K

Still worth something

I think I’m a very good wife for me being me.

I havn’t been married long enough to sit here and type some amazing advice for people to want to follow or believe or anything of that sort. I have been married over a year and a half. Actually, One year, six months, and 6 days to be percise. Tecnically still a newly wed, but I deffinatly do not feel it.

But I did want to share a perspective that I have come to realize. Something that means so much to me. Its funny because once I mentally figured it out, I could physically see it.

Let me explain the physical part first. When we got married, we by luck and grace of God, got some really nice wedding bands. Mine was a white gold band that was a size too big and shiny. Joey’s was a band that I had bought a year earlier, but joey returned becuase he knew we needed the money for bills. We didn’t have the money BUT God provided them and they were perfect. Not a scratch, dents, spec of imperfectness on them.

Well, now, I look at my ring and I see many little heirline scratches and imperfections on them, however its still so shiny. I happen to walk past a pawn shop when I noticed this so I took it in to get a street price on it and they told me a price alot more than what I had bought it for at Macy’s.

Point being, the ring is still worth something, worth more after all its been through.

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I cannot remember a time that I have been with my husband that has been easy. I can remember wonderful times of being with him, but never an easy time. We have always had a hard time just living. Money was never there to cover the costs. I can’t hold a job because I get bord and that was part of it too. But we have never been in a position to just be. Not worry about food or bills or rent or health or family issues. Im very serious when I say it has always been something. I’ve said this so many times to Joey, “I would rather be homeless with you on the streets eating at the food bank than leave you and lead an easier life” and he has always agreed.

I’m not sure as to why we can never come out on top with money. He works his butt off and I am no longer a spoiled brat wasting money on junk. But we never have been able to just go out to eat without having to adjust our budget. We can’t go on a date unless financial planning goes into it. We end up doing fine in the end. Dealing with what we are given. But if you can imagine the kind of overwhelming stress it brings.

I read in an article about how to have a successful marriage and it said that the first 3 years need to be stressfree to make it in the later years. I laughed and turned to Joey saying that according to that magazine, we wouldn’t make it.

So I start to think about it even deeper. The person I was when I met him is so different than who I am. No one would have ever thought that I would be the kind of wife I am now. I was selfish, materialistic, and a brat. I threw fits when I didn’t have enough money. Broke up with guys over material crap (not that I regret that now). And now I am so opposite than that. I am a serving wife putting him first.  Not that I am saying I am perfect, but I am saying I am sooooo much better than I ever thought I would be. Even better than I thought I would be when I got married.

However, I can’t not remember all the bumps, the scratches from the stress and imperfections I’ve aloud. I’m just like my ring. Shiny and worth something, escpecially to Joey, but so so imperfect.

Being with Joey could possibly be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Not because I married Joey but that I ended up with him. If I chose my selfish life, I can see myself in a horrible place that wouldn’t seem so bad but would be. Never having anyone I could trust, not knowing Jesus like I do now, pitiful in all ways. But I did end up with Joey and even though at times I want better. A better car, home, clothes, crap. I know that if God gave me that, I’d have that horrible life. The life God and Joey saved me from.

 I am so happy that they thought I was worth something when they knew the me long ago. Before I became a good wife.

rarely will this ever happen in my household, but it currently is. We are (separately) watching an Obama speach.

He says something great that is going to change

“No American should go broke because he is sick”

the room stands up

sits down

“It is required for insurance to cover preventitive care like mamograms and colenoscopies”

Stand up

Sit down.

It started to look like a show. Like lets all pretend we like what’s happening… lets all wear really brights colors to get noticed, lets have rich snudy faces and show no expression while we sit down and stand up….

not that I don’t think what Obama is saying isn’t great, but this just doesn’t seem real.

I’m happy about this change.

“Lets build on what works and fix what doesn’t”

hey, I’m all for that, but just because Michelle is around does not give old women to dress in bright yellow and red.

But this I don’t understand, he says that insurance will become affordable for every american who doesn’t get it at work… well there is affordable insurance and I still can’t afford it BUT need it…. sorry, makes no sence.

now requiring it makes sense like covering auto insurance, but if you don’t make real money and live paycheck to paycheck like I do, you are now being forces to spend money you don’t have…

God help this… me

Glory and Love

aaaI spent a hour at the river again today and I was amazed my God’s Glory. That I might think that He made that river just for me so that I could enjoy it…

But first I need to tell you about Joey’s Love. Agape. And sometimes in an odd way.

It’s interesting to me to sit here in my room and listen to him cry out to his brother… His love for his brother that pushes him to express it and since he can’t get through to his brother, I feel that I can actually hear his heart breaking. I feel that I can hear him yelling out LOVE and it being shot down by young ignorance. Joey loves his brothers. He really loves his younger brother because he see’s so much in him. He see’s possibility and hope but right now it’s being thrown away. Joey wants an amazing life for his brother, he would give up everything he could ever get in life  for his brother to have a great life.

That’s whats killing him, the disrespect he gets while he’s giving agape.

I knew when I met Joey that his brothers were upset by Joey’s choice to be with me. I knew how angry his younger brother became at me when we moved up to Auburn(400 miles away). I could see his anger rage at me when we got married but I never let it bother me because I couldn’t.  I couldn’t fight his brother for something that natuarally happens in peoples lifes. I never ment to “steal” Joey but that’s how it was seen. I stole him.

I basically wanted to write about how Joey loves.  Agape. He loves so real and true to people. It kills him when things aren’t good for them and he can’t do anything to make it better. His brother might have thought Joey was yelling at him but I only heard Joey crying out to his brother to live the great life he has in front of him and not the bad one he’s trying to go down. Joey wants him to hear that love so he can know that Joey really loves him and really really wants him to succeed.

I felt something in me to write about this because when agape is presant, it’s powerful and touches me. I can feel it even though I am in another room. I can feel it in my stomach, an actual physical feeling. I get love from Joey everyday but I don’t hear Joey cry out everyday for someone to know he loves them. It’s amazing and I am so lucky to have a man of God that can agape and not just love on the surface.

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On to the Glory!

I used to go to church summer camp in middle school and high school and I would be on a “Jesus High”. Than come home and be back to spoiled brat ways.

It hit me last week, that high. I was down at the river, relaxing with my feet in the water, reading a christian novel. God was there. He was right next to me, in me, everywhere around me. I would have cried if I didn’t start to sing praise to Him.

Being down at the river, I can look at the water and see peace, than I realize it’s God wiping away all my sins when I ask of him. Pushing the past of regrets and bad memories with the tide and allowing me to start anew when I head back up the mountain.

I think that everyone relates with elements of the world( ya know, water, fire, air… that kind of stuff). I think I relate best to water. I become calm and think straight when I am at the beach or at the river/lake. I can talk easier with God when I am there and I think it helps that I don’t have distractions.

I went down again today and I swear it was like the river was there for me. Peace was there for me. God was there for me and willing to listen and forgive me for my stipid sins that I can’t seem to ever get away from.

It all just makes me happy. I have a great husband and a Father that really loves me and will always forgive me….

im outraged!

jenkins__oPt

This horrible horrible woman is in jail today thank god and her baby is recovering healthy in a hospital…. or as healthy as it can get…

This mother of the year owned a pitbull that used to be a fighting dog. While she was asleep and the baby was awake in a cradle chair, the dog nibbled off the baby’s toes. The dog at the babies toes!!!!

The mother of the year claims she was asleep in the same room and never heard the baby cry…. ARE YOUR SERIOUS??????

and this is where it gets worst, she didn’t notice until the next morning that her child had NO TOES!!!!

oh this makes me so mad…. Im okay with pitbulls, rots, huge dogs in general, but not a dog that used to be a fighting dog or is aggressive….

Ugh!!!

thankfully she is being charged with a felony

My Perfect Mornings

coffee The first way for me to start my perfect morning is making a tall cup of coffee. The day isn’t sunny without it. Joey thinks that I should stop drinking coffee but thats like asking the pope to stop reading the bible. (I think the pope reads the bible)

I get comfy in the right corner of my sofa and turn on Sex and the City that recorded the night before and spend the next hour waking up. Natalie says  I should stop watching Sex and the City but thats like asking model to not wear high heels….

that one was dumb

but maybe its because Im not done watching Sex and the City yet. Im almost awake…

Blog? What Blog?

To be honest, I completely forgot about you. Im sorry. I normally use the wireless internet from my downstairs neighbors but they turned it off and I forgot.

Here is the perfect place to release everything that has been going on and I forgot. Im sorry again and lets never mention this… lol

So my mexican (Joey) has a new amazing  job at a great hotel and for the first time in my adult life I have actually been able to pay off all my current bills. Cable, electricity, rent, cell phones, the whole group at a zero balance. The relief is amazing! I don’t have to worry about what will be turned off or where am I going to get the money to pay the bill. I am so so ___________…. I don’t even know what word to use for this feeling.

Anyways, a new car is coming soon and this makes me relieved. No more walking around hill country.

Maybe Im the only one who has ever felt his way about bills…. am I?

breathe, stretch, shake, let it go

 

Donner Lake

Sometimes I feel like I’m on pause and everyone else is going. Like maybe Im on a treadmill and everything else has hit the ground running with out me.

Oh well I guess… right?

I do have an amazing husband who would do anything for me and a good support system.

secret messAge…

times were changing in larens life. he was about to Move to the city and had always dreamed about it. he had an open and large mind and living in a small town just wasn’t the place for him. fashion was his passion. he loved Clothes. he used to sit in class daydreaming about his fashion line walking down the runway on gorgeous models as they walked on beat to Lady Gaga or Britney Spears. the only thing he had not yet mastered was Shoes. he now dreamed that moving to the city would bring the inspiration he needed to make a full line. 

it came time for him to pack. he didn’t have much but the kind of junk you collect while living with your parents. his main priority was to at least bring some of the small town with him so he wouldn’t miss it. laren walked into his sisters room to her Vanity. he took a seat as he scrumaged through the drawers for extra sewing neddles and other things he might be able to use while away. he came across a photo of him and her that she took with the Camra he gave her for her birthday. he saved up for months to buy it for her. Normally he would just give Giftcards but that year she was going off to college. he took the photo of them and another of his first Puppy he got when he was younger. a feeling of sadness came as he realized how much he missed her. they were best friends when they were younger and now they would be room mates. he had to grab a couple things that she had forgotten like an old yearbook and her Workout tape. he grabbed a Tootsie Roll that had been sitting there since she left and popped it in his mouth as he left her room to finish packing.

the time had come for him to kiss his mom good bye and catch his train. the only time he had been on the train was when he was going on Vacation with his mom, but this was nothing like it. as he was about to leave, he gave his mom a Jewerly Box with one piece of Jewerly in it. She broke out into tears and he immediatly rapped his arms around her for one last hug. the scent of her NYC Delicious Purfume never smelled better to him and breathed in one last breathe of it before letting go. he was already late for his train and did not want to miss it. the final whistle went off and he was 100 yards off. he grabbed up his luggage, accidentaly grabbing his mom’s Purse and running to the train. right behind him his mom followed yelling for him to stop. other patrons standing nearby started in after him as well thinking that he had stolen the purse. a large man came from the left and tackled him down. as they stood up, he was confused and his head hurt. his mom caught up to him and excused the man from her aid. she kissed her son one last time and took back her purse.

he was finally on the train. his heart racing from his sprint and tackle from moments prior. the attendant came from behind checking tickets. he reached into his pockets expecting it to be there. all he could feel was his Ipod and New Phone. the man stood impatiently waiting for him. larens heart had just about fallen through his stomach, thinking he had lost it when he found it in his back pocket. the snud face of the attendant punched the ticket and carried on passed him. he wished so much at the moment he owned a Car, he wouldn’t have had to deal with this. he had one hour to relax on the train until this entire journey would be over.

finally the train came to a stop and he could see his sister waiting for him. all he could notice was her new Tattoo. just than he realized that he hadn’t even started the journey, it was all about to start. so much was about to change.

Okay now, I know the grammer sucks…. but can you guess whats on my mind today that I was trying to say without saying it…. good luck with your guess….

lol

So it’s old news that Chris Brown beat up his ex girlfriend Rhianna…. about a month ago for the first time I heard this song and liked the beat so I didn’t change the station. All of a sudden “Chris brown should get his ass kicked”

I so agree…. I love that someone made a song about it. I know this is something that happens all over the world to many women, but i know that celebrities get away with it more so I think its good that he is being made an example of… The band that made this song is  The Jump Smokers. I have neer heard of them before but thats ok because I like the song.   I might not agree with all the words but hey more power to them for actually having the guts to voice there opinion straight out rather than hide it behind a different beat. I also just found out that they are giving their iTunes proceeds from this song to empowering women’s organizations. Pretty cool

Want to hear?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_00lyb72MfY&feature=player_embedded