this word I can only relate to disappointment

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Expectations are what makes it’s no longer someone elses fault for hurting you. Your own fault that you are upset.

It’s random that I’m writing this now because currently, I’m not really hurt like I have been. It was sitting in a draft file of ideas to blog about and I want to get down my idea so it’s not fogged by emotion.

I used to think that everyone close to me would always hurt me. That all my life I would be set up for hurt. This idea that I’m the one hurting myself came in the middle of one of my most emotional and defenseless days. When my 100 foot high wall was down.

I had gone to see my astranged dad. He was in the hospital, possibly dying and it could possibly be the last chance I had to tell him that I forgave him for being a horrible dad and an abusive alcoholic. I used to hate him so much. I use to wish him dead every morning. Why should he be alive for making my sister’s life hell, hurting my mom, and not being there for me. It wasn’t until I understood that God still  loved him that I decided that I should forgive him. The anger came back and I forgot why I was there. I started asking why repeatedly. Why did he drink? Why didn’t he care?…..ect….Why wasn’t he the dad that I wanted him to be? That was is. I realized it. I remembered then to forgive him and did but than asked him for forgiveness. I wouldn’t hate him so much if I didn’t hold him up to expectations.

From that point, I am always think about why I hurt in situations. I ask myself if I was holding this person or issue to an expectation that wasn’t met. Sometimes, I don’t and it hurts, but sometimes I do and even though it hurts, it’s my fault and I deal with it.

I have to realize that life doesn’t always hold up to expectations and I certainly can’t hold people up to them too. It’s not fair to me or the people involved. I can lose the importance of the situation by holding it up to high.

But when I’m hurt, it’s because I didn’t realize I was doing that and so I loose.

I do understand that sometimes people let us down and it’s not my fault, like the responsibilities we each hold but won’t acknowledge or go through on.

I know that with the situation with my dad, he was a bad dad on his part and yes that hurt, but I made it hurt worst with my expectations of being a wonderful dad when he wasn’t.

So now in the future and the recent past, I can check myself first and save on the hurt. It helps

: )K

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