hopeful journey

I need to be here! I need to be where it is cold. I need to not be in my apartment right now.

I just might… ugh… do something… Im so upset.

I just got word that the owners will not be replacing it for another 2 – 3 weeks while I have to just sit here in the 90 degree apartment.

I just don’t think I can believe it. That someone would be willing to let someone else just sit in nasty heat. That’s what gets me mad and I probably do it to myself. If I had a car, I would go somewhere and just be. If I had money I would check into a hotel.

But this makes me think, what did people do a thousand years ago? When it got to be so hott and there was no ac. I often hear people say when their cell phone breaks, “What did people do before cell phones, I can’t function”

Just want to say that I feel when it’s coming down on me. It’s really coming down on me. Even in great things hide it for a day.

(on tuesday since I wont be home tomorrow)

So what if I put a positive spin on something I’m not to fond of, will it make it better? Let’s try… 

It’s cold outside. Maybe just to me, but it’s cold.

I don’t do cold, but I also don’t do hot. So this will be my starting point.

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Thank the Lord it’s cold outside.

The chill in the air brings about so many wonderful things.

Candles come out and burn out in days making my home smell so inviting and delicious. Blankets wrap tightly around my body keeping me warm. Holidays are always just around the corner bringing yummy food and conversations with people you don’t talk to that often.

Now I hate it when I’m cold at night but I love being able to snuggle up to my husband and warm up. I hate that minute before the shower when your exposed and freezing, but I love the hour I take in the shower after.

I would choose winter over summer any day.

In the summer, the sun forces your day to go on and sweat. In the winter, you can stay cozy all day long and be productive. You can turn your oven on and make yummy treats. My PG&E bill is less in the winter than summer.

As much as I hate the times when I’m really cold, there is no denying that its wonderful.

Now that I feel better about the cold, I just realized it not winter yet. It’s only fall. Darn….

; )K

this word I can only relate to disappointment

Expectations are what makes it’s no longer someone elses fault for hurting you. Your own fault that you are upset.

It’s random that I’m writing this now because currently, I’m not really hurt like I have been. It was sitting in a draft file of ideas to blog about and I want to get down my idea so it’s not fogged by emotion.

I used to think that everyone close to me would always hurt me. That all my life I would be set up for hurt. This idea that I’m the one hurting myself came in the middle of one of my most emotional and defenseless days. When my 100 foot high wall was down.

I had gone to see my astranged dad. He was in the hospital, possibly dying and it could possibly be the last chance I had to tell him that I forgave him for being a horrible dad and an abusive alcoholic. I used to hate him so much. I use to wish him dead every morning. Why should he be alive for making my sister’s life hell, hurting my mom, and not being there for me. It wasn’t until I understood that God still  loved him that I decided that I should forgive him. The anger came back and I forgot why I was there. I started asking why repeatedly. Why did he drink? Why didn’t he care?…..ect….Why wasn’t he the dad that I wanted him to be? That was is. I realized it. I remembered then to forgive him and did but than asked him for forgiveness. I wouldn’t hate him so much if I didn’t hold him up to expectations.

From that point, I am always think about why I hurt in situations. I ask myself if I was holding this person or issue to an expectation that wasn’t met. Sometimes, I don’t and it hurts, but sometimes I do and even though it hurts, it’s my fault and I deal with it.

I have to realize that life doesn’t always hold up to expectations and I certainly can’t hold people up to them too. It’s not fair to me or the people involved. I can lose the importance of the situation by holding it up to high.

But when I’m hurt, it’s because I didn’t realize I was doing that and so I loose.

I do understand that sometimes people let us down and it’s not my fault, like the responsibilities we each hold but won’t acknowledge or go through on.

I know that with the situation with my dad, he was a bad dad on his part and yes that hurt, but I made it hurt worst with my expectations of being a wonderful dad when he wasn’t.

So now in the future and the recent past, I can check myself first and save on the hurt. It helps

: )K

I think I’m a very good wife for me being me.

I havn’t been married long enough to sit here and type some amazing advice for people to want to follow or believe or anything of that sort. I have been married over a year and a half. Actually, One year, six months, and 6 days to be percise. Tecnically still a newly wed, but I deffinatly do not feel it.

But I did want to share a perspective that I have come to realize. Something that means so much to me. Its funny because once I mentally figured it out, I could physically see it.

Let me explain the physical part first. When we got married, we by luck and grace of God, got some really nice wedding bands. Mine was a white gold band that was a size too big and shiny. Joey’s was a band that I had bought a year earlier, but joey returned becuase he knew we needed the money for bills. We didn’t have the money BUT God provided them and they were perfect. Not a scratch, dents, spec of imperfectness on them.

Well, now, I look at my ring and I see many little heirline scratches and imperfections on them, however its still so shiny. I happen to walk past a pawn shop when I noticed this so I took it in to get a street price on it and they told me a price alot more than what I had bought it for at Macy’s.

Point being, the ring is still worth something, worth more after all its been through.

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I cannot remember a time that I have been with my husband that has been easy. I can remember wonderful times of being with him, but never an easy time. We have always had a hard time just living. Money was never there to cover the costs. I can’t hold a job because I get bord and that was part of it too. But we have never been in a position to just be. Not worry about food or bills or rent or health or family issues. Im very serious when I say it has always been something. I’ve said this so many times to Joey, “I would rather be homeless with you on the streets eating at the food bank than leave you and lead an easier life” and he has always agreed.

I’m not sure as to why we can never come out on top with money. He works his butt off and I am no longer a spoiled brat wasting money on junk. But we never have been able to just go out to eat without having to adjust our budget. We can’t go on a date unless financial planning goes into it. We end up doing fine in the end. Dealing with what we are given. But if you can imagine the kind of overwhelming stress it brings.

I read in an article about how to have a successful marriage and it said that the first 3 years need to be stressfree to make it in the later years. I laughed and turned to Joey saying that according to that magazine, we wouldn’t make it.

So I start to think about it even deeper. The person I was when I met him is so different than who I am. No one would have ever thought that I would be the kind of wife I am now. I was selfish, materialistic, and a brat. I threw fits when I didn’t have enough money. Broke up with guys over material crap (not that I regret that now). And now I am so opposite than that. I am a serving wife putting him first.  Not that I am saying I am perfect, but I am saying I am sooooo much better than I ever thought I would be. Even better than I thought I would be when I got married.

However, I can’t not remember all the bumps, the scratches from the stress and imperfections I’ve aloud. I’m just like my ring. Shiny and worth something, escpecially to Joey, but so so imperfect.

Being with Joey could possibly be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Not because I married Joey but that I ended up with him. If I chose my selfish life, I can see myself in a horrible place that wouldn’t seem so bad but would be. Never having anyone I could trust, not knowing Jesus like I do now, pitiful in all ways. But I did end up with Joey and even though at times I want better. A better car, home, clothes, crap. I know that if God gave me that, I’d have that horrible life. The life God and Joey saved me from.

 I am so happy that they thought I was worth something when they knew the me long ago. Before I became a good wife.

rarely will this ever happen in my household, but it currently is. We are (separately) watching an Obama speach.

He says something great that is going to change

“No American should go broke because he is sick”

the room stands up

sits down

“It is required for insurance to cover preventitive care like mamograms and colenoscopies”

Stand up

Sit down.

It started to look like a show. Like lets all pretend we like what’s happening… lets all wear really brights colors to get noticed, lets have rich snudy faces and show no expression while we sit down and stand up….

not that I don’t think what Obama is saying isn’t great, but this just doesn’t seem real.

I’m happy about this change.

“Lets build on what works and fix what doesn’t”

hey, I’m all for that, but just because Michelle is around does not give old women to dress in bright yellow and red.

But this I don’t understand, he says that insurance will become affordable for every american who doesn’t get it at work… well there is affordable insurance and I still can’t afford it BUT need it…. sorry, makes no sence.

now requiring it makes sense like covering auto insurance, but if you don’t make real money and live paycheck to paycheck like I do, you are now being forces to spend money you don’t have…

God help this… me

I spent a hour at the river again today and I was amazed my God’s Glory. That I might think that He made that river just for me so that I could enjoy it…

But first I need to tell you about Joey’s Love. Agape. And sometimes in an odd way.

It’s interesting to me to sit here in my room and listen to him cry out to his brother… His love for his brother that pushes him to express it and since he can’t get through to his brother, I feel that I can actually hear his heart breaking. I feel that I can hear him yelling out LOVE and it being shot down by young ignorance. Joey loves his brothers. He really loves his younger brother because he see’s so much in him. He see’s possibility and hope but right now it’s being thrown away. Joey wants an amazing life for his brother, he would give up everything he could ever get in life  for his brother to have a great life.

That’s whats killing him, the disrespect he gets while he’s giving agape.

I knew when I met Joey that his brothers were upset by Joey’s choice to be with me. I knew how angry his younger brother became at me when we moved up to Auburn(400 miles away). I could see his anger rage at me when we got married but I never let it bother me because I couldn’t.  I couldn’t fight his brother for something that natuarally happens in peoples lifes. I never ment to “steal” Joey but that’s how it was seen. I stole him.

I basically wanted to write about how Joey loves.  Agape. He loves so real and true to people. It kills him when things aren’t good for them and he can’t do anything to make it better. His brother might have thought Joey was yelling at him but I only heard Joey crying out to his brother to live the great life he has in front of him and not the bad one he’s trying to go down. Joey wants him to hear that love so he can know that Joey really loves him and really really wants him to succeed.

I felt something in me to write about this because when agape is presant, it’s powerful and touches me. I can feel it even though I am in another room. I can feel it in my stomach, an actual physical feeling. I get love from Joey everyday but I don’t hear Joey cry out everyday for someone to know he loves them. It’s amazing and I am so lucky to have a man of God that can agape and not just love on the surface.

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On to the Glory!

I used to go to church summer camp in middle school and high school and I would be on a “Jesus High”. Than come home and be back to spoiled brat ways.

It hit me last week, that high. I was down at the river, relaxing with my feet in the water, reading a christian novel. God was there. He was right next to me, in me, everywhere around me. I would have cried if I didn’t start to sing praise to Him.

Being down at the river, I can look at the water and see peace, than I realize it’s God wiping away all my sins when I ask of him. Pushing the past of regrets and bad memories with the tide and allowing me to start anew when I head back up the mountain.

I think that everyone relates with elements of the world( ya know, water, fire, air… that kind of stuff). I think I relate best to water. I become calm and think straight when I am at the beach or at the river/lake. I can talk easier with God when I am there and I think it helps that I don’t have distractions.

I went down again today and I swear it was like the river was there for me. Peace was there for me. God was there for me and willing to listen and forgive me for my stipid sins that I can’t seem to ever get away from.

It all just makes me happy. I have a great husband and a Father that really loves me and will always forgive me….

This horrible horrible woman is in jail today thank god and her baby is recovering healthy in a hospital…. or as healthy as it can get…

This mother of the year owned a pitbull that used to be a fighting dog. While she was asleep and the baby was awake in a cradle chair, the dog nibbled off the baby’s toes. The dog at the babies toes!!!!

The mother of the year claims she was asleep in the same room and never heard the baby cry…. ARE YOUR SERIOUS??????

and this is where it gets worst, she didn’t notice until the next morning that her child had NO TOES!!!!

oh this makes me so mad…. Im okay with pitbulls, rots, huge dogs in general, but not a dog that used to be a fighting dog or is aggressive….

Ugh!!!

thankfully she is being charged with a felony

 The first way for me to start my perfect morning is making a tall cup of coffee. The day isn’t sunny without it. Joey thinks that I should stop drinking coffee but thats like asking the pope to stop reading the bible. (I think the pope reads the bible)

I get comfy in the right corner of my sofa and turn on Sex and the City that recorded the night before and spend the next hour waking up. Natalie says  I should stop watching Sex and the City but thats like asking model to not wear high heels….

that one was dumb

but maybe its because Im not done watching Sex and the City yet. Im almost awake…