hopeful journey

i get that.

just one moment.

no cleaning

no argueing

no joking

no planning

no deciding

just

be silent

listen

no one around

be grateful im not sick or homeless

.

i can if i want,

stand up and dance

*drive to the river

do bible study (which Im behind on,,, opps)

take a nap

call old friends

.

With nothing to stress over this moment,

Im free

completely and totally

free

.

my energy isn’t low but not bouncing.

.

so I think for this free moment

I will lay here and listen to my random thought and the (christmas)music in my house.

but in a couple of moments, I need to get on my bible study before tomorrows group….

K; )

I need your help.

This weird little toy is a My Pet Monster

This was Joey’s favorite toy as a kid. Handcuffs and all.

I know, weird. Or at least weird from my perspective.

He really wants one. Really really. I can find them online but I not someone to order from the internet. too many bad experience

If you have one, or seen it at Target or something, let me know. Help me out. I would love to see my mexican with this random toy.

My Pet Monster

 Every season its something different.Summer was a beach chair, a book, and small lunch down my the river for an hour or two.Right now it’s sitting in candle light with the heat of the lap top on my legs and music choice on the tvMy tv provider Wave has a set of channels of strictly music. I put it to channel 902 and surf. Eventually I end up just laying down not even on the internet, just like the heat of it.Than songs that I like/love come on and all my attention is to me singing (and sometimes dancing) to that song, than rewinding my TV and singing it another 8 or 9 times.So right now, I finished cleaning and Joeys over somewhere watching sports, candles are on, im on the internet and I cant stop singing Fallin by alicia keys.

And lord know I can’t sing it like her, but I damn sure try

I love my hair. I finally have it at a length I love. However I despratly need a trim.

I can never just do a trim so Im opening up a deal to who ever takes me seriously.

If you pay for a nice salon visit, I will do what ever you want me to do to it

EXCEPT for bald or short short.

Anything you want. Any color, and style.

Shoot your idea, I’ll post pictures if anyone takes me seriously….

I need to be here! I need to be where it is cold. I need to not be in my apartment right now.

I just might… ugh… do something… Im so upset.

I just got word that the owners will not be replacing it for another 2 – 3 weeks while I have to just sit here in the 90 degree apartment.

I just don’t think I can believe it. That someone would be willing to let someone else just sit in nasty heat. That’s what gets me mad and I probably do it to myself. If I had a car, I would go somewhere and just be. If I had money I would check into a hotel.

But this makes me think, what did people do a thousand years ago? When it got to be so hott and there was no ac. I often hear people say when their cell phone breaks, “What did people do before cell phones, I can’t function”

Just want to say that I feel when it’s coming down on me. It’s really coming down on me. Even in great things hide it for a day.

(on tuesday since I wont be home tomorrow)

So what if I put a positive spin on something I’m not to fond of, will it make it better? Let’s try… 

It’s cold outside. Maybe just to me, but it’s cold.

I don’t do cold, but I also don’t do hot. So this will be my starting point.

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Thank the Lord it’s cold outside.

The chill in the air brings about so many wonderful things.

Candles come out and burn out in days making my home smell so inviting and delicious. Blankets wrap tightly around my body keeping me warm. Holidays are always just around the corner bringing yummy food and conversations with people you don’t talk to that often.

Now I hate it when I’m cold at night but I love being able to snuggle up to my husband and warm up. I hate that minute before the shower when your exposed and freezing, but I love the hour I take in the shower after.

I would choose winter over summer any day.

In the summer, the sun forces your day to go on and sweat. In the winter, you can stay cozy all day long and be productive. You can turn your oven on and make yummy treats. My PG&E bill is less in the winter than summer.

As much as I hate the times when I’m really cold, there is no denying that its wonderful.

Now that I feel better about the cold, I just realized it not winter yet. It’s only fall. Darn….

; )K

this word I can only relate to disappointment

Expectations are what makes it’s no longer someone elses fault for hurting you. Your own fault that you are upset.

It’s random that I’m writing this now because currently, I’m not really hurt like I have been. It was sitting in a draft file of ideas to blog about and I want to get down my idea so it’s not fogged by emotion.

I used to think that everyone close to me would always hurt me. That all my life I would be set up for hurt. This idea that I’m the one hurting myself came in the middle of one of my most emotional and defenseless days. When my 100 foot high wall was down.

I had gone to see my astranged dad. He was in the hospital, possibly dying and it could possibly be the last chance I had to tell him that I forgave him for being a horrible dad and an abusive alcoholic. I used to hate him so much. I use to wish him dead every morning. Why should he be alive for making my sister’s life hell, hurting my mom, and not being there for me. It wasn’t until I understood that God still  loved him that I decided that I should forgive him. The anger came back and I forgot why I was there. I started asking why repeatedly. Why did he drink? Why didn’t he care?…..ect….Why wasn’t he the dad that I wanted him to be? That was is. I realized it. I remembered then to forgive him and did but than asked him for forgiveness. I wouldn’t hate him so much if I didn’t hold him up to expectations.

From that point, I am always think about why I hurt in situations. I ask myself if I was holding this person or issue to an expectation that wasn’t met. Sometimes, I don’t and it hurts, but sometimes I do and even though it hurts, it’s my fault and I deal with it.

I have to realize that life doesn’t always hold up to expectations and I certainly can’t hold people up to them too. It’s not fair to me or the people involved. I can lose the importance of the situation by holding it up to high.

But when I’m hurt, it’s because I didn’t realize I was doing that and so I loose.

I do understand that sometimes people let us down and it’s not my fault, like the responsibilities we each hold but won’t acknowledge or go through on.

I know that with the situation with my dad, he was a bad dad on his part and yes that hurt, but I made it hurt worst with my expectations of being a wonderful dad when he wasn’t.

So now in the future and the recent past, I can check myself first and save on the hurt. It helps

: )K

I think I’m a very good wife for me being me.

I havn’t been married long enough to sit here and type some amazing advice for people to want to follow or believe or anything of that sort. I have been married over a year and a half. Actually, One year, six months, and 6 days to be percise. Tecnically still a newly wed, but I deffinatly do not feel it.

But I did want to share a perspective that I have come to realize. Something that means so much to me. Its funny because once I mentally figured it out, I could physically see it.

Let me explain the physical part first. When we got married, we by luck and grace of God, got some really nice wedding bands. Mine was a white gold band that was a size too big and shiny. Joey’s was a band that I had bought a year earlier, but joey returned becuase he knew we needed the money for bills. We didn’t have the money BUT God provided them and they were perfect. Not a scratch, dents, spec of imperfectness on them.

Well, now, I look at my ring and I see many little heirline scratches and imperfections on them, however its still so shiny. I happen to walk past a pawn shop when I noticed this so I took it in to get a street price on it and they told me a price alot more than what I had bought it for at Macy’s.

Point being, the ring is still worth something, worth more after all its been through.

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I cannot remember a time that I have been with my husband that has been easy. I can remember wonderful times of being with him, but never an easy time. We have always had a hard time just living. Money was never there to cover the costs. I can’t hold a job because I get bord and that was part of it too. But we have never been in a position to just be. Not worry about food or bills or rent or health or family issues. Im very serious when I say it has always been something. I’ve said this so many times to Joey, “I would rather be homeless with you on the streets eating at the food bank than leave you and lead an easier life” and he has always agreed.

I’m not sure as to why we can never come out on top with money. He works his butt off and I am no longer a spoiled brat wasting money on junk. But we never have been able to just go out to eat without having to adjust our budget. We can’t go on a date unless financial planning goes into it. We end up doing fine in the end. Dealing with what we are given. But if you can imagine the kind of overwhelming stress it brings.

I read in an article about how to have a successful marriage and it said that the first 3 years need to be stressfree to make it in the later years. I laughed and turned to Joey saying that according to that magazine, we wouldn’t make it.

So I start to think about it even deeper. The person I was when I met him is so different than who I am. No one would have ever thought that I would be the kind of wife I am now. I was selfish, materialistic, and a brat. I threw fits when I didn’t have enough money. Broke up with guys over material crap (not that I regret that now). And now I am so opposite than that. I am a serving wife putting him first.  Not that I am saying I am perfect, but I am saying I am sooooo much better than I ever thought I would be. Even better than I thought I would be when I got married.

However, I can’t not remember all the bumps, the scratches from the stress and imperfections I’ve aloud. I’m just like my ring. Shiny and worth something, escpecially to Joey, but so so imperfect.

Being with Joey could possibly be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Not because I married Joey but that I ended up with him. If I chose my selfish life, I can see myself in a horrible place that wouldn’t seem so bad but would be. Never having anyone I could trust, not knowing Jesus like I do now, pitiful in all ways. But I did end up with Joey and even though at times I want better. A better car, home, clothes, crap. I know that if God gave me that, I’d have that horrible life. The life God and Joey saved me from.

 I am so happy that they thought I was worth something when they knew the me long ago. Before I became a good wife.